That's the thing though. I never talk more than a few words to people IRL. On the phone. At my job. Anywhere. I can only talk in chats. I have zero conversational skills when it comes time to actually use my voice. Someone else always needs to lead the conversation, especially if I'm nervous. Plus with all those other people around, I wanted to be extra careful what I said. If you had just talked to me about it or made a comment about me being quiet, I would have explained that. I'm only good for conversation if it's something I'm excited about that's a shared interest with the other party. And I know you kept telling me to stop worrying, but I couldn't stop being extra nervous. I spent the entire drive wondering if this would be an entrapment by the feds and what would happen to my grandparents if that was the case and then when I saw it was actually you, I didn't even know what to do. And I have a shit ton to lose. I'm working towards veterinary medicine and my aunt is in law enforcement so this absolutely could NOT be known that I was even meeting you in a public place. Yes, I didn't pick up the leash even though I thought about it, as I didn't know if you would have wanted me to do that with a dog who I had just met or how he (or the shep) would have reacted if I moved quickly. I did try stepping on the leash initially but he got away from me. If you had asked me to do it, then I certainly would have. I did hold onto the leash when you asked me to afterwards.
I don't think I was staring at your dogs as you thought I was; I wasn't staring at anything in particular, I just look straight ahead like that out of habit. For that matter, I barely even interacted with your dogs which wouldn't you think was strange for someone who was only there to fuck a dog? And the reason I was far behind was that I have poor balance and I HATE rock climbing and/or hiking on mountainous terrain and I was taking it extra slow because there was no way I would have explained any cuts or bruises to my folks. If you were watching me like you said you were, you would have seen how it took me forever to vault myself down just one rock, and that I almost killed myself sliding down ass first another time. I literally groaned when I saw you climbing that shit and couldn't believe how fast you moved on it. Again, conversation is a two way street and just like you don't know what's going on with me not speaking, I won't know what's going on with you not speaking. You didn't even try conversation. The only thing you asked me while I was trying not to die was what day I was walking the rott. You did comment about the traffic and that's the most I had opened up as it was something we agreed on that wouldn't make anyone within earshot turn their head. And then I did comment about how busy it was when we were done. So I wasn't entirely silent. Once I had gotten time to know you, I might have been able to let down my guard with you. Just ask anyone who knows me, they'll tell you how getting me to open up is like pulling teeth. And that's just for family members who've been there since I was born. Not even a stranger I had only known in person for an hour. But there's something ironically funny about this...I was the one who showed you my face, hell, I was the one who used voice chat. You gave me neither and I STILL went there on a foundation of trust. You could have done a phone chat. You could have done a video chat. That was a little red flag for me but I ignored it because I believed you were a good person at heart.
And I might have initially wanted to fuck your dog, but plans changed after you told me he has zero sex drive, and then even more when I realized I was getting one of my own and with my preferred gender. Yeah, I made some kind of comment about trimming the hair (I don't believe it was exactly as you described and I thought it was the hair around the sheath...and I didn't even know that shaving a dog could have health consequences until you explained it), but that was largely done in jest. So I would have been happy with just kissing or rimming, the two things you hyped up about him. I don't even like anal and it's only something I'd want to do once just to say I did it, nothing special...animal permitting me to, of course. I told you that I would never put a dog in harm's way and I told you several times how I stopped attempting stuff with my gf's own dogs, who treat me as one of their own pack, out of concern for their wellbeing. Of which you never even expressed appreciation for. And the fact that I didn't share any of your pictures you sent me, or directly outed you even though some users wanted me to, should show that I DO have integrity. So I'm sorry that I kept you expecting something else that wasn't even my priority anymore when I should have told you that my plans changed. I guess there's blame on both sides for leading someone astray, yes?
As for the shep alerting you, I think that's what you wanted to believe because you already had your mind made up. There has NEVER been a dog to ever act aggressive towards me or to tell the owner not to trust me. When he jumped on me, I saw it as just an excited way to say hello because that's exactly what my gf's lab does. He didn't bark, growl, snap, or bite at me. And he did let me pet him, which is more than he allowed for that one couple who stopped us along the way. You told me that he's not super cool with people to begin with, so I wouldn't have considered his reaction too strongly. I'd have been more concerned if Leo was scared of me, but he was incredibly friendly and handsome.
Believe me or not, it doesn't matter now, but there is some hypocrisy at work because while you say that you couldn't trust me, the way you acted makes ME believe that YOU are not a trustworthy person. You didn't have to suggest a hotel at all for the first time. And certainly not separate rooms to split up the dogs. That made me believe that something WAS going to happen when I wasn't necessarily expecting it to. There was no reason to block me on Telegram either. You could have just told me that you changed your mind or even made up some lame ass excuse. Yeah, I'd have been pissed at you especially as this came right after I told you how I paid for a trip for my friend and he bailed on me the day before and you gave me your word that you wouldn't cancel, but I'd have still tried to build up a friendship regardless that could blossom over the span of months and I wouldn't have blocked you as a result. Or even better, show up at the hotel but tell me that you'd rather stay with me to ensure the safety of your dogs for the first time with them in a contained environment. That would have been a perfectly acceptable and logical thing for me to expect from you. Because I guarantee that if we were alone, I would have been talking a lot more. If you did want to form a friendship, you would have just talked everything with me, I would have listened, I'd have given my two cents if need by (as I'm doing now) and then we'd have used that experience to move on and strengthen ourselves. I would have done it for you.
I do appreciate the help you had given me (and as for the rottie, those places you marked for me do indeed have very good shelter from view. But this makes me wonder...so you don't want me to fuck with your dogs even after we'd been in contact for a month, but you're helping me try to be sexually active with the dog I'm walking for a guy who I didn't even know prior to this week and who I'd likely never see again? How does that make any sense?) With all of that in the air, and I would not consider this for just anyone btw, I am still open to some kind of friendship. Just please do not ever set up a meeting like that again unless all expectations and guarantees are known ahead of time...and if it's something that costs money in advance, I am only paying for my expenses and not yours. And yes, maybe I was so consumed with my own problems and missing out on an opportunity that made me feel like I'd never be with a dog romantically that I kept pressing the subject with you as I so desperately wanted a first time whenever that would be, and I apologize for that. I should have been less enthusiastic. But then when I asked for a dick pic while adding that if it's inappropriate at this time to just say no, you sent me one. So are you encouraging me or not because the line is blurred sometimes. And the first time you sent me a pic it was purely of your own decision, and it did surprise me that you'd send me one so soon into our chats. So again, it's like you wanted to excite me with something you didn't want me to experience.
