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I've been repressing my sexuality for years and it's ruining my life

Dont feel bad. I dont know your age but I can tell you, it took me many many years (im in my 40s) to embrace the "full spectrum" of my sexuality. Remember, beast and same sex loving have been happening before the dawning of recoreded history(10,000+ years). You are just a single drop in 10 million. Stop making such a big deal about it. Thats your ego. I should know. I have been there until I finally broke my resistance.
 
I'm in my 40s too. I agree it's pretty normal and natural, but I mean -- they're working on passing a federal anti bestiality law, for goodness sake, here in the States. Federal prison is a big deal. I'm not sure that's just my ego.

That being said, I guess it's silly to dwell on it. It is what it is; but I really don't like how I'm set up to fail. It's really frustrating.

Thanks for the response.
 
desmondi said:
I'm in my 40s too. I agree it's pretty normal and natural, but I mean -- they're working on passing a federal anti bestiality law, for goodness sake, here in the States. Federal prison is a big deal. I'm not sure that's just my ego.

That being said, I guess it's silly to dwell on it. It is what it is; but I really don't like how I'm set up to fail. It's really frustrating.

Thanks for the response.
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According to @ZTHorse and @dogluver101, the federal bill (the one everyone is saying is going to ban bestiality) doesn't actually mention sex with animals.
 
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I'm very young (less than 25 but older than 21) but I have had an intense struggle with my identity as a zoo in the past years. I was also a top student, but my emotional and mental burden took its toll on me. I used to have a close friend who was zoo, but tragically I lost him...

Never listen to those who say the seemingly impossible is not achievable. Some of the most brilliant minds in history have had society look at them and say "You're crazy." History is made by those who deeply believe in who they are. The feeling of fighting for what you believe is right is indescribable.
 
Part of my healing from trauma was accepting I’m a zoo, and it took a long time to do that. There is nothing wrong with what we are—we have a unique perspective and see animals with depth that most people can’t understand.

My love for dogs is different from my love for humans, and feels so much safer, because I am sure of a dog’s loyalty and willingness to keep me safe. I will never apologize again for doing something that makes me feel safe.
 
It's so hard because everyone else is able to talk about their interests with people, be themselves, be open.
I hear other people talking about people they'd like to fuck, relationships they've had, and I just have to sit there acting like an innocent child who's never heard of sex before.
It makes me so afraid of people asking me the wrong question. Putting me on the spot when they never expected to. I avoid basically every social situation because of this, especially around people who aren't family.
I could go on and on about my relationships and experiences and interests, but even if people would be accepting, it's still illegal. I still can't risk it. They could do me in if they get even a whiff of me being zoo.
The whole comparison between zoophilia, pedophilia and necrophilia is absolutely haunting. Because I know that the first thing someone will think if I bring up being zoo, is fucking children and dead bodies. They won't understand, and chances are they won't ever try to understand. They'll just want to destroy me.
 
Whatever you do, don’t attempt to kill yourself. It’s not worth it and even if you’re 100% sure you won’t wake up, you’ll most like wake up in a hospital with very worried friends and family members who will investigate and probably find out why you did it. I can tell you from experience
 
I'm 25 and I don't think I've ever really had to repress my feelings and that's because I didn't know I had them. I had never even known or thought about sex with animals until about 2 years ago when I started looking up porn on my computer. My husband and I had separated because I caught him cheating on me and one night while I was feeling horny I started looking up porn and came across a site that had girls with dogs and horses. I watched several clips and I did play with myself but the clips were all very short and it didn't give me time to get myself off having to find a new clip every 2 minutes. It did make me hornier and I ended up in bed with my dildo.
From there I went on and had visions of what I had seen many times over the next 6 months. Then I met one of my girlfriends, knotinterested and she helped me to have doggie sex for the first time. I was hooked on it right away and after that time and a few more I found my boy. That was almost a year ago. His name is Casey and his original owner was moving and couldn't have him at the new place. He is a chocolate Lab 27 mo old and so full of energy. I just love him so much.
After I had Casey for six months sometimes I would see other dogs playing and it would make me wonder how they would be in bed. There have been a few times that I have wanted to tell some of my girlfriends about what me and my dog do but I have always keep my secret. That is the closest to repressing my feelings I have ever come. After reading the posts above I feel lucky not to have had the anxiety associated with repressing your feelings.
 
Maui69 said:
Whatever you do, don’t attempt to kill yourself. It’s not worth it and even if you’re 100% sure you won’t wake up, you’ll most like wake up in a hospital with very worried friends and family members who will investigate and probably find out why you did it. I can tell you from experience
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Oh gosh, that's frightening.
Thing is, nobody would know if I did. I live with roommates I don't get along with and my family is distant and doesn't see me much.
The first thing they'd notice is the terrible smell coming from my bedroom in about a week.
 
You never know, I thought the same thing and when I woke up, my dad told me that one of my friends came to my house and took down the door with the neighborhood watch and found me unconscious
 
Maui69 said:
You never know, I thought the same thing and when I woke up, my dad told me that one of my friends came to my house and took down the door with the neighborhood watch and found me unconscious
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Yeah, my parents are on the other side of the planet, my friends are in other towns and don't see me, the neighbours don't know me, and the only family I have come over incredibly rarely. Like, maybe once a month at best.
 
I tried to take my own life multiple times. It's just not worth it.

As much as I suffer emotionally, dying would mean that I can't play Nintendo games anymore. That in itself is enough reason to keep going.
 
But seriously, I think that family is all a person really has. If you still have one, maybe you should try to reconnect with them.
 
hippophile said:
I tried to take my own life multiple times. It's just not worth it.

As much as I suffer emotionally, dying would mean that I can't play Nintendo games anymore. That in itself is enough reason to keep going.
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There really doesn't seem to be anything I enjoy anymore. I'm only hanging on by a shred self-preservation instinct and squeamishness. I miss a lot of meals and avoid talking to people even when they're not bad.
 
Llandefie said:
There really doesn't seem to be anything I enjoy anymore. I'm only hanging on by a shred self-preservation instinct and squeamishness. I miss a lot of meals and avoid talking to people even when they're not bad.
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Yup, I know how that feels. Let me share with you what happened with me.

I stopped caring about eating and drinking. I became very depressed and decided that I was going to jump off a tall building. Obviously, that never happened. Instead, I became emotionally unstable and was taken to a psych ward for about a week.

I think the only thing that saved me was that mental hospital.

You say that you're hanging on by a thread and skipping meals. That doesn't sound good at all. Maybe you should seek treatment for your issues.
 
hippophile said:
Yup, I know how that feels. Let me share with you what happened with me.

I stopped caring about eating and drinking. I became very depressed and decided that I was going to jump off a tall building. Obviously, that never happened. Instead, I became emotionally unstable and was taken to a psych ward for about a week.

I think the only thing that saved me was that mental hospital.

You say that you're hanging on by a thread and skipping meals. That doesn't sound good at all. Maybe you should seek treatment for your issues.
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I am but it's not enough.

I've got a therapist at college and the staff trying their best to get me back on track, but I still fall to pieces on the weekends when I'm stuck in this house with roommates who I don't even want to know I exist. It's weekends when I skip meals because I'm just too terrified of leaving my bedroom.
And before you even ask, I don't have anywhere to go on the weekends. Nowhere good or safe, anyway. I'm too poor to go around spending money on meals out, either. I barely muster the strength to leave my room to go into town and shop.
 
I'm poor, too. I try to find things to occupy my mind that don't cost a lot of money. If I don't, I'll think about my problems again and start to become really depressed, as you can read from my posts.

Also, a college therapist might not be enough for your needs. You probably need someone with more expertise and the ability to prescribe medication.
 
hippophile said:
I'm poor, too. I try to find things to occupy my mind that don't cost a lot of money. If I don't, I'll think about my problems again and start to become really depressed, as you can read from my posts.

Also, a college therapist might not be enough for your needs. You probably need someone with more expertise and the ability to prescribe medication.
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I reluctantly got a prescription for antidepressants, but it turned out they had milk in them and were made from some vile animal testing. I haven't gotten around to trying to replace them, but it sure seems like there isn't anything better.
I really don't like pharmaceutical medicine anyway, and I don't trust doctors in the slightest. I tried some CBD oil once, but that shit is way too expensive.
 
Maybe you should work at a riding school again, or even find a career that let's you be around horses. That's way more than I'm capable of doing.

Or you could take up dog sitting if you want to be around dogs instead.

I don't understand why you stopped trying to be around animals. If it's depression, there is likely a way to fix it. There is still hope for you.
 
I would love to do that, but it'd just have to be some sort of shelter. I can't be contributing to the objectification and subjugation of other animals anymore. I prefer not to even put head collars on horses, I can't stand exerting any control over them.
I am registered as a dog sitter here, I've got a job this weekend where there are horses and they seem to like me. The pay is shit as hell though.

I've been going to a local shelter to volunteer. There was a jenny there who was into me and even caught me alone and got me to finger her once, but it was risky as hell and I had to go. I like the boys there, but as geldings they're not that sexual. It is really nice being groomed by them, though.

I'm not that into dogs. I mean, I love all animals really, but I much prefer the calmness and gentle nature of horses.
 
Well, there you go. Having a purpose can stave off depression pretty well.
 
Well yeah, it's just that it's not reliable, you know? What's next after this weekend? I can't ever be alone with the horses at this shelter for more than a couple minutes. If I could actually just work at a shelter, that would be brilliant, but I have no formal qualifications and actually little experience, just passion and talent. I also have no driving license, no reliable transport, and live nearly a two hour cycle from the nearest shelter.
 
I mean, yeah. It definitely was. There was a time when I was just discovering my sexuality, and it had started to dawn on me that I hadn't met a horse in years. I went absolutely insane, started hallucinating them all over the place, spent literally over a thousand hours playing Skyrim where I had mods that allowed me to have sex with the various creatures in it. I was absolutely losing all humanity.
 
That sounds like me, except the part about hallucinating. I've never suffered from psychosis.
 
I think it was more an intentional daydream than actual involuntary visions, just desperately trying to cope with loneliness in whatever crazy way my young, zoo mind could muster.
 
Well, if I were in your position, my own "mental illness" would be cured. Even touching a horse would be enough to make me feel 1000x better.

These American doctors just keep shoving pills down my throat. They don't give a fuck. It's backwards. I'm just another patient to them.

It's a cold, callous system.
 
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