I guess you're right, though this is a bit difficult to put into words.
Doug introduced me to that artist, who became one of my favorite musicians, and when I hear the song it makes me cry and think of him. I can't think of another person I've never met IRL who's spent more time occupying my thoughts, and at times that's felt like a flaw/curse. Doug's sharp intellect and and arguments where one of few voices that gave me courage to try and join the zoo community and participate, many many years ago...and that feels like a double edge sword tbh- these idea's and the prejudice they evoke in some people, it just doesn't feel worth the risk...perhaps to me, but not to my family... Who am I, to take such risks with their lives, that they could never understand? Doug made me feel like...less of an outcast/freak...like there where good and smart people involved in zoo; respectable people worth knowing, real community. He made me feel like there was somehow a future in all this... At times, like watching him at H.O.P.E, with his custom "my horse is my husband' sticker on his laptop, he felt like a hero to me, a bold, fearless, reckless genius who might just somehow pull it all off, against all odds. He made me want to root for the impossible, or at least the extremely improbable. -he broke that barrier.
I disagreed with some of his opinions (on big things even), and he seamed far to idealistic to me, but he was so good at language and debate that I always looked forward to hearing what he had to say- whether we agreed or not, my arguments and understanding improved from the process- and I always felt thankful for it- he made me want to be more idealistic, made me feel guilty for NOT being more idealistic... I long to know more people like that- people I can disagree with, sharply, but still love and respect- so few people have made such an impression on me. I wish the whole world where like that. wish we could all see each other like that.
I feel at once a loss, and relieved that I didn't know Doug better- it's a strange confliction that that song captures perfectly. I was mostly watching from the sidelines, living a comparably mundane and safe life- he was out there talking risks, living on instinct, being himself, un-compromised, and uncompromising...Like an animal... There was something both beautiful, and frightening about that, something surreal- and his memory lingers like a ghost, still haunting me- I see him all around this place, in the 'tall grass', and I don't know what to think of it.