Confession Confusion???

Smokin5150

Tourist
There seems to be a consistent thread about confessing "zoo" desires, experiences, and fantasies to friends, family and significant others. I am curious as to the underlying urge that people have to bare their souls.

Maybe it is because I have been married for 25 years, but there seems to be little upside to confession. I understand that some people confess from guilt and others feel they should share everything with their partners. I disagree with both. Confessing out of guilt is often (not always) a cop out -- transferring the confusion to the other person and leaving them to deal with it. The confessor gets the freedom and leaves the confessee with the mess of accepting it or leaving. On the the other hand, the need to share everything is a myth. Even in the best of marriages, we are still different people. Lives blend but, as someone who has had his fair share of indiscretions, having a few secrets for the sake of marital harmony is not a bad thing.

I am starting to think that I am the one with issues because I have no desire to confess or share my zoo interests or others. Do others feel as I do?
 
Theres a lot of us who made choices about life partners before we knew about this....and some, like me, who made a choice that wasnt going to include this. I knew that...so It wasnt hard to stay with it. She even had an inkling, but not so much that it was an issue. That probably should have been a tip off as the years passed. Telling an unsuspecting significant other of this is almost bound to be less than rewarding. Unless you think and have good reason to think, that you could share it...keep mum.
 
There seems to be a consistent thread about confessing "zoo" desires, experiences, and fantasies to friends, family and significant others. I am curious as to the underlying urge that people have to bare their souls.

Maybe it is because I have been married for 25 years, but there seems to be little upside to confession. I understand that some people confess from guilt and others feel they should share everything with their partners. I disagree with both. Confessing out of guilt is often (not always) a cop out -- transferring the confusion to the other person and leaving them to deal with it. The confessor gets the freedom and leaves the confessee with the mess of accepting it or leaving. On the the other hand, the need to share everything is a myth. Even in the best of marriages, we are still different people. Lives blend but, as someone who has had his fair share of indiscretions, having a few secrets for the sake of marital harmony is not a bad thing.

I am starting to think that I am the one with issues because I have no desire to confess or share my zoo interests or others. Do others feel as I do?
Admittedly, I wanted to confess to friends once I finally realized I was a zoophile. Yes, part of it was because I felt like I was deceiving them and felt guilty for doing so, but a bigger part was that I was at a loss and wanted an outside voice to help organize my thoughts.

However, after a bit of time to collect my own thoughts, I kind of came to the same realization that I don’t really need to share everything with everyone to have a good relationship with them. It’s not living a lie, really. I’m still the same old me with or without the validation/support of my friends and family. Some things are just better kept in private. In fact, they’d be safer and happier with what they don’t know. Like you said, keeping secrets for the harmony or happiness of others isn’t a bad thing. I’ll never be able to tell my friends and family about this irl. But that‘s fine by me. Not telling them anything means I get to live in peace without anyone prying into my sex life, and they get to hang out with me and love me free of guilt. It’s a win-win for both of us. Why would I change that just for some acknowledgment or a “lifted weight from my shoulders”? The story doesn’t end once you “come out”. Life goes on. Coming out won’t solve my problems, it won’t magically make me happy, it sure as Hell won’t make my friends and family happy, and my lover doesn’t get a say, so I’d pretty much be putting him in danger without his input. Why cause complications when my life is fine as is?

Would it be nice if my orientation could be treated normally? Yeah, don’t we all just want to be treated normally in the end? But that’s not going to happen. So rather than fantasizing and stressing out over it, I’ve just come to be satisfied where I am now. Some stones are better left unturned. And there’s nothing wrong with leaving things as they are.
 
@Smokin5150 There is nothing wrong with you. Most of the people on here who are so eager to "confess" or "come out" are young, usually in their early twenties. They see this as some sort of new social movement like the LGBT back in the 60s and 70s. They do not realize that our situation is very different. Zoos come out; Zoos get locked up. End of story.
 
Admittedly, I wanted to confess to friends once I finally realized I was a zoophile. Yes, part of it was because I felt like I was deceiving them and felt guilty for doing so, but a bigger part was that I was at a loss and wanted an outside voice to help organize my thoughts.

However, after a bit of time to collect my own thoughts, I kind of came to the same realization that I don’t really need to share everything with everyone to have a good relationship with them. It’s not living a lie, really. I’m still the same old me with or without the validation/support of my friends and family. Some things are just better kept in private. In fact, they’d be safer and happier with what they don’t know. Like you said, keeping secrets for the harmony or happiness of others isn’t a bad thing. I’ll never be able to tell my friends and family about this irl. But that‘s fine by me. Not telling them anything means I get to live in peace without anyone prying into my sex life, and they get to hang out with me and love me free of guilt. It’s a win-win for both of us. Why would I change that just for some acknowledgment or a “lifted weight from my shoulders”? The story doesn’t end once you “come out”. Life goes on. Coming out won’t solve my problems, it won’t magically make me happy, it sure as Hell won’t make my friends and family happy, and my lover doesn’t get a say, so I’d pretty much be putting him in danger without his input. Why cause complications when my life is fine as is?

Would it be nice if my orientation could be treated normally? Yeah, don’t we all just want to be treated normally in the end? But that’s not going to happen. So rather than fantasizing and stressing out over it, I’ve just come to be satisfied where I am now. Some stones are better left unturned. And there’s nothing wrong with leaving things as they are.
Wow! That was well said. You nailed it perfectly, Jewelry Fish. I could not have said it better, myself.
 
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