Lost in the Woods

Didn't hike this Saturday. I was busy with family get togethers and trips to the stores. Got to take a handful of the dogs to a birthday party. Mountain got frosting on his face from the toddlers brave enough to approach my durpy "wolf." Buddy kept the picnic area clear of dropped food and my unnamed female dog stayed by my folks when she wasn't by me. It was good times. Later that evening, I made a trip out to look at a pup. She's nearly a year old and will make a great companion. When I got her home, I put the rest of the dogs up so she could adjust to the new place without eager noses checking her out. I did sit down and shed a few tears as I watched her go through everything.

Those new paws got some walking to do, people to meet, herding to learn, and a pack of rampant dogs to be apart of. And there are lots of trails paved by her aunt's old paws that we'll need to go back over.

Short, but as always, thanks for reading.

Didn't get to do a lot of hiking these past several weeks. Busy season hit work hard and the heat and humidity made it unbearable to be outside. I've resorted to walking the dogs at night after work, just to beat the morning heat. I did head over to my folk's place a lot though. They said they missed having me around, so I made more attempts to head that way each weekend. Their big wolf dog was happy to see Mountain. They only knew each other for a few weeks before we moved out, but durps are going to get along, no matter what. While we were over there Saturday, my folks gave me a stuffed animal they thought I'd like. They like to buy second hand things at garage sales and give them to people or to just stock up on for when someone may need something. I don't typically want stuffed animals. They usually end up being chew toys before long. However, this one was a dog that was the same breed as my oldest dog that passed away this year.

The day I woke up, but she didn't, wasn't the hardest day I ever had. The day after when the people came to pick her up to be cremated, was. Seeing them walk out with her bundled up in a blanket, really made it clear that the last 12 hours weren't a bad dream. I sat in the silence for most of that day. It was eerily quiet. I hate the quiet. I couldn't sleep with any dogs near me for a good while. I couldn't even sleep in my bed after that night. Time passed, but things didn't get better. My house became disheveled, I stopped caring for myself properly, and the pain and sadness was almost crippling. My folks came over one day, a good while after she had passed. I needed help. Not just with the house, but just to talk to someone. I couldn't let her go.

"What I'd give to go on one more hike with her or even just go to the park and sit together."

I'd given about anything to be with her one last time if it were possible. I'd take tons of pictures and videos of us together. More memories would make things better. A last goodbye. A long hug before I let her go...

"The only thing you let go of is fish too small to eat." My dad told me while I was having a breakdown that day. I didn't really get it. We got to my room and it hadn't been entered in a long time. Dust had settled on everything that was stuck in that day she had passed away. During the cleanup there, I found some old thumb drives on my windowsill by my desk. When my folks left, I checked them. I knew it was just loads of pictures and videos of my dogs. Pictures from nearly every hike we had been on. From old dirt roads to being at the edge of Illinois cliffs. Copies of old physical pictures of her pups from a decade ago. Videos from family get togethers with her there and of her showing my brother's dog how to herd. Her first time seeing Mountain's pups and putting them in their place, even when they were bigger than her. Hours of videos. Thousands of pictures. Tons of hikes. Lots of memories...

"What I'd give to go on one more hike with her..."

I wouldn't give anything...

When I was younger, I was suicidal. She was the last pet I was going to rehome before I ended everything. But she got sick. Someone had to care for her. I promised her that I'd hold off until she was better. I promised her that I'd hold off until I found her a home. I promised her that I'd hold off until she passed away...

"What I'd give to go on one more hike with her..."

I wouldn't give anything, because I can't let anything go. She gave it all to me. Every happy moment with her and the others. Time with family and friends. Every possession I've earned. Every bit of sadness and pain I've experienced was because of her. I can't let any of it go. It's made me who I am and as much as I'd love to take another picture or video of her out in the woods, it won't make things better. That's up to me now since those old paws could use a break. Because those old paws have been on more than just dirt and stone.

Thanks for reading.

Went on an early morning hike with Buddy and my unnamed female dog. They're both certified country dogs and know how to handle themselves on the trail, so I always let them off of their leashes when we're out in the woods and nobody is around. This is a simple loop around a good sized lake with paved, gravel and dirt trails. Been going out to this lake since I was in diapers. Learned to fish and swim here. Even got my own boat that can fit on my car, but paddling around a lake wasn't as fun as hiking. And surprisingly, there was no shade in the middle of a lake.

When I heard the city made a trail around this lake, I was happy. Dogs were too. Cat was just glad we were out off the house. Probably looped around it nearly 30 times over the past few years. It has been great, even when there was knee high snow on it one year. Today however, it sucked. Humidity was crazy high and it started warming up before we even hit the trail. But, we went through worse, so today was a real "embrace the suck" kind of day. I grabbed my backpack and we started going. As I flung my small hiking pack on, it made a familiar jangling noise. On the handle are 4 different colored cat collars with bells on them and an old leather collar. The leather collar belonged to my oldest dog that passed away this year.

The bells jangled the whole walk and reminded me of my brother getting annoyed by them last year during one of his "get the hell away from the wife and kids" hike. Wondered why I kept them around since the pups were already gone. Personally, I just like random knickknacks hanging off of my backpack, but having them with me reminds me of taking a box full of pups out at my folk's farm and letting them run around the field in the back. The grass was too tall to keep track of them all, so I had to rely on those bells to keep track of them. Seeing them gang up on my overly friendly duck I had to leave there when I moved out, was great. Aflac didn't see it coming and my folk's old wolfdog didn't either. She didn't mind the barrage of tiny teeth and tongues attacking her. She's only tough on vermin and coyotes.

They only got to go for a few runs out at my folk's farm before they got picked up by their new owners. Before they were even old enough to eat solid food, people had a puppy picked out and what collar they wanted them to wear so we didn't mix them up. And when they were old enough, they were gone before the weekend was over. I won't forget all of the craziness my backyard had to endure when Mountain was playing with his pups. My oldest dog growling and nipping the back of their legs because she was a dick. Their uncle Buddy getting his ears chewed on and pulled while he just wanted to sleep. And I'll never forget the people that took them home with them. My brother did a good job vetting their new owners. One was an older couple that had a husky, but she passed away. Once they were ready to get another dog, they saw the pup that looked like her dad and had to have her. The old lady looked like she might cry when she picked up their pup. Another couple were younger and had to come in the middle of the night. It was the hight of Covid here at that time and they wanted to get their kids and German Shepherd a new play mate. I guess the kids were at their grandparents since this was going to be a surprise for them. I still get pictures of the pup from the younger couple on Facebook. Seeing a tiny husky pup besides a full grow GSD was pretty cool. Hopefully their dad's durp wasn't hereditary.

When they were gone, everything got quiet. I don't like the quiet. I have a radio on 24/7 and even have apps on my phone for whitenoise. And sometimes when the trail doesn't have a good breeze, dead leaves to walk on or birds giving the performance of a lifetime, a little jangling could bring me back to the happy times of puppies and their chaotic fluffness.

Thanks for reading.

Also, the fog was bad today, so pictures sucked. Instead, I have here some pictures of tired dog paws.

I'm not a dad.

Thanks for reading.





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Alright, with a bit more seriousness, I spent some time over at my folk's place today and brought out the younger dogs to visit with them as well. While technically not a hiking blog, my parents live in the sticks and are lost in general, so I'm counting it. We chatted about my new job, how the dogs were doing, and just life stuff in general. We even watched a bit of old westerns on TV. Their signal out here sucks, so I'll have to set a reminder on my phone to get them a good outdoor antenna. My mom gets cranky if she can't watch people get over dramatically shot off of horses.

It was around feeding time when I showed up, so after visiting and seeing John Wayne ride a horse around, I grabbed my hiking boots out of my tiny car and pitched in while the pups explored. They're city dogs and never grew up around livestock, so seeing them perplexed by the pigs loudly snorting for food, the cows bellowing in the distance when they heard the four wheeler, and the hoard of chickens surrounding me with scratch grain in hand, was funny. Their uncle Buddy used to be an outside dog here and my folks even still have his old dog box by the chicken coop. I guess the ducks have taken it over after we left. Mountain didn't get to grow up around the animals either since I got him a month before getting my own place. He did learn that he wasn't aloud in the pens. I'd have yelled at him for it, but my parent's miniature donkey put the fear of God in him. Mountain got his cardio in that day for sure.

After getting the animals cared for, I went out back to the hay field and let the pups run with my folk's old wolfdog. Arthritis be damned if she wasn't going to get to play with the pups. They got to see the cows close up, which don't mind dogs so long as they don't behave like idiots, and they even got to see the crazy half sized donkey and all of the horses out there. After a trip to the creek for a dip and drink, we headed on home where Mountain got to have some snacks I picked up for his Father's Day. Everyone else got a treat, but I made sure he got double for the occasion.

And that sums up today's adventure. Thanks for reading and happy Father's Day to every dad.

Today, Mountain, Mrs. K and I all went on a short walk before the summer heat kicked up again. It's an easy trail not far from home that I started going to when I got my driver's license and my dad let me use his old farm truck to get there. I heard that barely anyone used this trail, yet it was decently worn into the earth and could have two people walking side by side. I guess the remoteness of this trail was the appealing thing about it for me. My social anxiety made it difficult to deal with random encounters with people out in the wild. At that time, I only had a few dogs and a cheap camcorder. We would head out here every few weeks to walk around the lake, take blurry photos of turtles and birds and of course, get our paws wet. "No Swimming Allowed" signs weren't going to stop our rebelliousness.

Before long, I got better gear and more paws for this tiny trail to deal with. I became a bit of a photo and video hoarder. I kept every bad picture and even the ones of a dog breaking the fabric of space and time (slightly moved during picture taking). GoPros became a norm for me to rig the dogs or myself up with when I finally got the money for them. Without them, I wouldn't have gotten a video of Mountain verbally assaulting a group of high-school track runners not stopping to pet him. Or my brother shouting profanity at a bird as two old women rounded a bend.

And now we are at present day. All of these photos and videos are on my phone. During our trek through the woods today, I'd see spots where I had taken pictures or videos of the dogs at. I don't have very many physical copies of these pictures, so I had to go full millennial and hold my phone up to where they were taken. Seeing winter in summer was odd, but I began seeing other things too. Saplings were bigger now than when the photo was taken. Stumps were removed by the park workers or burnt away from controled burns. Downed trees were now just soft decay amongst the dead leaves. And some of those dogs, are no longer here. A lot has changed, even on familiar trails.