What have your experiences been with kink communities IRL?

[GingerUnicorn]

I've long been interested in bondage, specifically shibari and learning proper rope ties and generally wanted to train and practice as a rigger. Recently I attended an event where people were teaching, practicing, and generally having a fun time. It wasn't a particularly horny event and was fully clothed, with various activities going on and training for everything from newbies to free tying for those who were more adept including some full body suspensions!

Anyway the reason I bring this up is because as my first interaction with the general 'kink community' I found everything to feel really normal and the vibes were comfortable. Genuinely there was no weirdness from anybody of any gender, both couples and singles were super respectful, and everybody was able to laugh and help out and make friends.

And I realised that in that environment I felt safer/more comfortable than at more 'normal' places such as clubs etc. And felt excited to return for future events and maybe explore more of what the venue might host.
This location, which had public/private sex rooms, all kinds of extreme fetish equipment and a literal dungeon, seemed to house people who were much more considerate of other's boundaries, consent, and other things I generally value.

So I got curious: What kind of experiences have you had with these events/communities IRL? Positive, negative, whatever. I would love to hear about it and if you're not keen on sharing details then that's what the poll is for!

 

[WalkingStarFish]

Recently I had the same sort of experience! I went to my first kink get together around a month ago. Unfortunately the laws around where I live require you to have grandma clothes and absolutely nothing sexual. I was super anxious going there but was immediately welcomed with open arms. I met tons of amazing friendly people and learned so much about the BDSM lifestyle. There were tons of mounts, crosses, chains, and beds. People were happily whipping each other and everyone just had a good time having fun with each other.

I had never seen such a large group of people who were discreet and vetted be so kind and caring to each other. Everything you said was spot on!
If I had the money for it I'd be going there multiple times per month!

 

[GingerUnicorn]

I had never seen such a large group of people who were discreet and vetted be so kind and caring to each other. Everything you said was spot on!

It's nice to hear that you've had a really positive experience with this type of thing too!

I was thinking about it an I wonder if it's just because the people who attend these events tend to not really have insecurities or hang ups that people usually lash out or get upset about. Everybody is there to either explore something specific or because they know what they want.
There's no men trying to prove they're something they're not.
There's no opportunities to be creepy because everything is on full display anyway, and rules about consent and appropriateness are strict and enforced.

Like I can believe there are bad actors and stuff and I even chatted with the staff members about things they've dealt with. But they tend to get instantly thrown away, banned, and then laughed about by everybody else.

 

[dogandponyshow]

My experiences have been mixed. Some spaces aren’t very friendly to outsiders and others are. Sometimes the same event is better on one night than it is another night.
I’ve been to kink events in Toronto mostly but went to a couple things in London and Manchester.

 

[Bloit]

Generally, kink-oriented locations / events really have their boundaries, consent and respectfulness in mind, exactly because all participants know how important they are...

The more "vanilla" a hookup spot it, the more likely you are to run into people that don't take "no" for an answer, in my experience.

 

[GingerUnicorn]

My experiences have been mixed. Some spaces aren’t very friendly to outsiders and others are. Sometimes the same event is better on one night than it is another night.
I’ve been to kink events in Toronto mostly but went to a couple things in London and Manchester.

I'm surprised to hear about treatment of outsiders being something that comes up. Do you mean people who are new to the scene or new to that specific event?

Also that's quite a varied set of locations!

 

[Ceencee2]

With the vast differences in perspectives, not all experiences can be positive. I have always thought that so throughout my journey I'm not surprised or disappointed.

 

[WalkingStarFish]

It's nice to hear that you've had a really positive experience with this type of thing too!

I was thinking about it an I wonder if it's just because the people who attend these events tend to not really have insecurities or hang ups that people usually lash out or get upset about. Everybody is there to either explore something specific or because they know what they want.
There's no men trying to prove they're something they're not.
There's no opportunities to be creepy because everything is on full display anyway, and rules about consent and appropriateness are strict and enforced.

Like I can believe there are bad actors and stuff and I even chatted with the staff members about things they've dealt with. But they tend to get instantly thrown away, banned, and then laughed about by everybody else.

Exactly! When someone is being rude they are asked to stop or are asked to leave. Then you all get to bond over a guy who came to a BDSM event at 10pm just to be rude, hilarious.

Another thing I remember happening was a nice gentlemen suddenly became overwhelmed with emotion and the whole thing was too much for him. What I assume were his friends, helpful bystanders, and staff all came over, got him a chair and some water, were rubbing his back, and were extremely supportive and understanding. Interested, I looked at the rest of the crowded room to see the general reaction to this and everyone either didn't make a big deal out of it or they started up stories on when they had the same experiences.

I just kept repeating to the people who became my friends that night on how shocked I was how many smiles I saw and how friendly everyone was to everyone. There were every type of dom, sub, owner, slave, master, puppy, pain enjoyer to vanilla enjoyer all relaxed and having fun together.

 

[dogandponyshow]

I'm surprised to hear about treatment of outsiders being something that comes up. Do you mean people who are new to the scene or new to that specific event?

I’ve been new in a room many a time and some spaces are friendly in that people will approach me and make conversation whereas other spaces you’ll basically get people avoiding eye contact etc. which makes it difficult to connect.

 

[GingerUnicorn]

I’ve been new in a room many a time and some spaces are friendly in that people will approach me and make conversation whereas other spaces you’ll basically get people avoiding eye contact etc. which makes it difficult to connect.

I'm glad to hear there's a lot of spaces where newer people are welcomed and make for easy chats and interactions.

I will say I am so surprised to hear that people at events like this can be passive/avoidant given however much else might be open to see. It seems kind of strange. I can definitely get people there for the first time being shy or unsure but I definitely find it odd that others would have issues with chatting to new people.

 

[dogandponyshow]

I'm glad to hear there's a lot of spaces where newer people are welcomed and make for easy chats and interactions.

I will say I am so surprised to hear that people at events like this can be passive/avoidant given however much else might be open to see. It seems kind of strange. I can definitely get people there for the first time being shy or unsure but I definitely find it odd that others would have issues with chatting to new people.

I imagine it’s because at kinky sex events in London and Manchester they expect you to dress in gear. I’m a jeans-and-tank type so they were judging me based on my style of dress.
In Manchester the bouncer said I had to wear something more kinky so I asked if I could strip down to my jockstrap to get in and he said yeah.

 

[Bloit]

I imagine it’s because at kinky sex events in London and Manchester they expect you to dress in gear. I’m a jeans-and-tank type so they were judging me based on my style of dress.
In Manchester the bouncer said I had to wear something more kinky so I asked if I could strip down to my jockstrap to get in and he said yeah.

Yeah, if you're at a kinky event in street clothes, you're just not interesting... People come there for the kink.

 

[GingerUnicorn]

I imagine it’s because at kinky sex events in London and Manchester they expect you to dress in gear. I’m a jeans-and-tank type so they were judging me based on my style of dress.
In Manchester the bouncer said I had to wear something more kinky so I asked if I could strip down to my jockstrap to get in and he said yeah.

This makes sense to me!

When I was getting a little tour at the place I visited I was yapping away with the staff and picked up that for most of the bigger events there's a dress code. It's either kink or fully dressed with suit & tie etc.

I suppose I understand it, definitely helps set the tone and gets everybody playing on the same page!

 

[dogandponyshow]

Yeah, if you're at a kinky event in street clothes, you're just not interesting... People come there for the kink.

I prefer my kink to be related to the behaviour I engage in (watersports, fisting, etc) rather than some ugly outfit that costs excessive amounts of money for me to be uncomfortable in it. I like guys in gear but it’s incredibly difficult to find anything that qualifies that I would wear.

and it’s not like I don’t dress like a faggot, either. I wear slutty clothes.

 

[rally.scientist]

I've had awful experiences with IRL kink communities. As the M in a MFF kinky, interracial, polyfi triad, I find that people feel as though they are entitled to approach us for their fantasies, making us out to be useful kink dispensers and not much else.

The overt racism is palpable, most of the time, and surprising given the left leaning ideology of Massachusetts (where we thankfully escaped from)

I've yet to reach out to the IRL kink communities of central Florida, but just from my online interactions, it's a far more welcoming place.

 

[GingerUnicorn]

I've had awful experiences with IRL kink communities. As the M in a MFF kinky, interracial, polyfi triad, I find that people feel as though they are entitled to approach us for their fantasies, making us out to be useful kink dispensers and not much else.

The overt racism is palpable, most of the time, and surprising given the left leaning ideology of Massachusetts (where we thankfully escaped from)

I've yet to reach out to the IRL kink communities of central Florida, but just from my online interactions, it's a far more welcoming place.

That sounds awful. I've always thought some people's obsessions with interracial intimacy is bordering on racism. I've never been in an open relationship like that but was in an interracial relationship with my ex-partner and it really opened my eyes to just how present casual racism is everywhere. I would have hoped more open-minded communities wouldn't be the same.

I'm glad you've had positive experiences online though and I'm hoping that if/when you choose to explore the communities of your new home that it's a much more positive experience for you and your partners.

 

[rally.scientist]

That sounds awful. I've always thought some people's obsessions with interracial intimacy is bordering on racism. I've never been in an open relationship like that but was in an interracial relationship with my ex-partner and it really opened my eyes to just how present casual racism is everywhere. I would have hoped more open-minded communities wouldn't be the same.

Polyfi isn't an open relationship, it's a closed (monogamous) relationship with more than two people. We don't seek out partners for play or anything, but people see the poly part and assume we do.

As far as the race thing goes, I've found that, in my travels across the US, I experience the most overt and covert racism from the more progressive populations. It's not all that surprising, when you consider that Massachusetts was the last state to embrace desegregation in schools.

I'm glad you've had positive experiences online though and I'm hoping that if/when you choose to explore the communities of your new home that it's a much more positive experience for you and your partners.

It's been a comfortable transition, and we'll be attending our first munch in years in a few weeks

 

[aanewswuk]

Hi,
Saw this thread and thought I would add my bit as I have been an instructor at events for many years. In fact it's where I met my better half!
The kink community on the whole tends to be more welcoming as you all have a shared 'secret' which you can bond over. Also there is very little judgment as everyone has their own kinks and fetishes which aren't to everyone's taste.
The amount of times I have seen people actually say their kink out loud to others expecting some sort of backlash or negative reaction is huge, but you can almost see the weight lifted from their shoulders when they realise it's taken in good faith and is then discussed in a grown up way (even zoo). If it's not for others they most likely will say but, in my experience, are keen to learn about what the turn on is for example.
I think they key is the lack of judgment. On this site you can put up a post about a zoo relationship and you will not be reviled or ridiculed and the same tends to go for kink and fetish gatherings. Especially munches and first timers

 

[dogandponyshow]

Hi,
Saw this thread and thought I would add my bit as I have been an instructor at events for many years. In fact it's where I met my better half!
The kink community on the whole tends to be more welcoming as you all have a shared 'secret' which you can bond over. Also there is very little judgment as everyone has their own kinks and fetishes which aren't to everyone's taste.
The amount of times I have seen people actually say their kink out loud to others expecting some sort of backlash or negative reaction is huge, but you can almost see the weight lifted from their shoulders when they realise it's taken in good faith and is then discussed in a grown up way (even zoo). If it's not for others they most likely will say but, in my experience, are keen to learn about what the turn on is for example.
I think the key is the lack of judgment. On this site you can put up a post about a zoo relationship and you will not be reviled or ridiculed and the same tends to go for kink and fetish gatherings. Especially munches and first timers

May I ask if you’re gay? I find that in gay spaces people still tend to be judgmental. I’m part of my local pup community and I once asked if other people are into feet and they reacted very defensively, as if being into feet would be shameful. Although, I did find the gay kink community in the U.K. far less hung up on shit like that and far more accepting of kinks that they aren’t into.

 

[aanewswuk]

May I ask if you’re gay? I find that in gay spaces people still tend to be judgmental. I’m part of my local pup community and I once asked if other people are into feet and they reacted very defensively, as if being into feet would be shameful. Although, I did find the gay kink community in the U.K. far less hung up on shit like that and far more accepting of kinks that they aren’t into.

Hi, no we are an M/f couple.
It is a shame you have come across defensive behaviour but that is most likely to be a sort of sub conscious pecking order. For example they may, in a strange way, think they are 'above' you because they don't have that kink.
The human brain can be a minefield sometimes!

 

[dogandponyshow]

Hi, no we are an M/f couple.
It is a shame you have come across defensive behaviour but that is most likely to be a sort of sub conscious pecking order. For example they may, in a strange way, think they are 'above' you because they don't have that kink.
The human brain can be a minefield sometimes!

I have noticed from what I have read online that the kink communities of mixed gender seem far more relaxed and accepting of each other’s fetishes. I think many gay men feel the need to separate themselves from other gay men as a way of “proving” that they’re not “that type” of gay.

 

[labluv658]

i joined a group on fetlife for a convention i was going to it very last minute we met at the hotel hotub hungout didn’t talk about anything sexual just had a good time