thezookeeper
Tourist
Sorry for any mistakes I made while writing this, I'm tired as hell.
Dunno if I;m allowed or not to post this here, but I'm just tired, confused, stressed and left with a wierd feeling I can't shake it of.
So, a little bit of backstory.
In 2017 after a failed relationship I started talking with this girl (N) online out of a simple accident, she had posted a furry drawing on the fb and I love it and I write her a message. We talked for days in a row, I told her about me beign a zoo and she was more than with this. We kept talking few months and I started to fall in love in love with her, with her voice, her personality, her body and so... I loved and still love evrything about this girl even today.
At that time I didn't know she had a bf, and I asked if she would to meet and maybe have a relation (we lived about 8 hours by train away from eachother, but for me was never a problem since I can move anywhere if I want to). She told me that she is seeing someone and she's in love with him, and she don't want to hurt him. I felt my heart dropping when she said this. She said that maybe if it won't work between them, she will maybe try something with me. Fast forward few month laters, she was still with that guy and I ended in a relationship more by accident. My relation was fine (or so I tought, I later found out that she was cheating on me just like the other one did).. Even tho my relation at the time was great, I did not really feel "love" for that girl... my mind was still thinking about N, and we started to talk again on daily basics, she started to have problem in that relationship of her... and she asked me for advice and help... so I did, and than I started wanted to make then brake of. This went for for few months... my relationship fall apart in 2018 after easter. That broke me... I had quit my job few months prior to focus on a startup, got stabbed in the back by my business partener and she went away with my money a day after the brake up... I was devasted... no job, no relation, no business, I was contemplating suicide... and I almost did it, but on my way to the metro station I tught about going to a place I go daily... and there things changed for me abit, got a new oportunity and in 3 days I moved in a city I always wanted to move. Best part, was somehow closer to N city.
N kept asking my for advice and stuff about her realtion, her sex life and so on with this guy... and so I helped her.... helped her to brake up with guy. She did it, and by accident, it happened for me to have a business trip to her city the other day. We made plans to meet, and we did. Believe me when I said, that moment when I saw her my heart went racing, my mouth become dry and I could not belive I meet this girl IRL, hug her and hear her voice irl for the first time. I was nervous as hell (as I'm very shy with people)... we talked a bit, I tried to hold her hand, no luck... she did not wanted it. Those 2 hours we spent togheter were amazing... but that was all.
Few days later she got back with that guy she broke up with... and they had a relation until 2019 or so. I have moved to my home town got a cheap rent, I didn't relation form 2018 or sex with girl so I was horny af. We started to talk againd, her realtion becaome so fragile a little push and they will break up, and that's what I did, I pushed her to brake up with him. After few weeks, since we talked a lot about our sexual life and stuff, she said she wants some sex... and I said, halfway joking that I can help with that... she halfway laugh halfway wanted this... few days later and we established a day to meet and have some fun... until that day came she fucked 2 guys and told me verry descriptive stuff... I was so gelous about it... my heart sank each time she will tell me about... it hited me like a hammer.
I counted the days until the day we would meet... and so we did. She was a bit hesitant, didn't let me do a lot of stuff to her but we did had sex. The most amazing, incredible, best sex I ever had. Seeing her naked drove me crazy, touch her, kising her... everything I wished that moment never stopped. I still have some regrets about that act, as I wasn't able to do some thing I rally wanted to, but non the less, it was amazing, and I have that moment in my mind forever.
After that I started to feel weird. Dunno how to explain. I asked her is she wanted to be with me, she said no. She told she already have a frind with benefits that she want to be with, and she only did this one time only thing with me just out of mercy and because she saw how excited I was about this, because otherwise, she wouldn't done it because she already have this guy. She even told that they fucked before we met. I once again felt my heart droppping, but this time.... it was different... something broke in me. I become insensitive, blunt, death inside, sad, depressed... We kept talking, she telling me is making a dating app acount, the fact that she is still with this guy, after a while that hey broke and she's back with the first guy, than that they broke... and she's single again and going dating...
Late 2020 I start talking with a girl, she was a friend of my ex... and she message me out of nowhere... we talked for a bit and we somehow ended up thotgheter, moved togheter. The thing is, even if we are toghether... I dunno if i like this girl or not... nothing about her really speaks to me. We just ended up togheter because we were alone. She's more than okay with me beign a zoo and she wants to fuck out too soon. She's nice, I can see that she loves me and wants to be with me... but I was never sure I want her... maybe I'm a idiot who knows, but my mind, "my heart" still goes to this girl N.
Fast forward to maybe half a year ago, N told me that she found a grat guy and she's dating him, and that she's with him for 2 month now... and all that jazz. I fel even more sad, because from her words she seems more happy with him than I ever saw her... I know thay won't brake up. She even moved with him in another city. She's madly in love with this dude, and I'm gelous and sad, knowing this...
I can't get her out of my head... I don't feel a thing for this girl I'm with. I'm not felling atracted to her... not her body, but her as person. I'm with her just because of the fear I'll end up alone again... and believe when I say alone, I mean it.
My mind when it comes to love, happines, life, sex, goes to this girl, N. It drives me crazy, makes me mad and kills me inside. When she tells me her plans of having a family, kids, a house with this guy... when she tells me what she want to do with him in bed (few days ago she told she wants to play an animal in a roleplay, and I was so sad that that won't be with me) it drives me insane in the bad way.
I'm unhappy, depressed and with someone for which I can't tell what I fell.
I just wanted to let this out somewhere.... I'm tired of my own mind... the irony being that my current job is to help people with those kind of problems.
If not allowed, please remove! Thank you!
Dunno if I;m allowed or not to post this here, but I'm just tired, confused, stressed and left with a wierd feeling I can't shake it of.
So, a little bit of backstory.
In 2017 after a failed relationship I started talking with this girl (N) online out of a simple accident, she had posted a furry drawing on the fb and I love it and I write her a message. We talked for days in a row, I told her about me beign a zoo and she was more than with this. We kept talking few months and I started to fall in love in love with her, with her voice, her personality, her body and so... I loved and still love evrything about this girl even today.
At that time I didn't know she had a bf, and I asked if she would to meet and maybe have a relation (we lived about 8 hours by train away from eachother, but for me was never a problem since I can move anywhere if I want to). She told me that she is seeing someone and she's in love with him, and she don't want to hurt him. I felt my heart dropping when she said this. She said that maybe if it won't work between them, she will maybe try something with me. Fast forward few month laters, she was still with that guy and I ended in a relationship more by accident. My relation was fine (or so I tought, I later found out that she was cheating on me just like the other one did).. Even tho my relation at the time was great, I did not really feel "love" for that girl... my mind was still thinking about N, and we started to talk again on daily basics, she started to have problem in that relationship of her... and she asked me for advice and help... so I did, and than I started wanted to make then brake of. This went for for few months... my relationship fall apart in 2018 after easter. That broke me... I had quit my job few months prior to focus on a startup, got stabbed in the back by my business partener and she went away with my money a day after the brake up... I was devasted... no job, no relation, no business, I was contemplating suicide... and I almost did it, but on my way to the metro station I tught about going to a place I go daily... and there things changed for me abit, got a new oportunity and in 3 days I moved in a city I always wanted to move. Best part, was somehow closer to N city.
N kept asking my for advice and stuff about her realtion, her sex life and so on with this guy... and so I helped her.... helped her to brake up with guy. She did it, and by accident, it happened for me to have a business trip to her city the other day. We made plans to meet, and we did. Believe me when I said, that moment when I saw her my heart went racing, my mouth become dry and I could not belive I meet this girl IRL, hug her and hear her voice irl for the first time. I was nervous as hell (as I'm very shy with people)... we talked a bit, I tried to hold her hand, no luck... she did not wanted it. Those 2 hours we spent togheter were amazing... but that was all.
Few days later she got back with that guy she broke up with... and they had a relation until 2019 or so. I have moved to my home town got a cheap rent, I didn't relation form 2018 or sex with girl so I was horny af. We started to talk againd, her realtion becaome so fragile a little push and they will break up, and that's what I did, I pushed her to brake up with him. After few weeks, since we talked a lot about our sexual life and stuff, she said she wants some sex... and I said, halfway joking that I can help with that... she halfway laugh halfway wanted this... few days later and we established a day to meet and have some fun... until that day came she fucked 2 guys and told me verry descriptive stuff... I was so gelous about it... my heart sank each time she will tell me about... it hited me like a hammer.
I counted the days until the day we would meet... and so we did. She was a bit hesitant, didn't let me do a lot of stuff to her but we did had sex. The most amazing, incredible, best sex I ever had. Seeing her naked drove me crazy, touch her, kising her... everything I wished that moment never stopped. I still have some regrets about that act, as I wasn't able to do some thing I rally wanted to, but non the less, it was amazing, and I have that moment in my mind forever.
After that I started to feel weird. Dunno how to explain. I asked her is she wanted to be with me, she said no. She told she already have a frind with benefits that she want to be with, and she only did this one time only thing with me just out of mercy and because she saw how excited I was about this, because otherwise, she wouldn't done it because she already have this guy. She even told that they fucked before we met. I once again felt my heart droppping, but this time.... it was different... something broke in me. I become insensitive, blunt, death inside, sad, depressed... We kept talking, she telling me is making a dating app acount, the fact that she is still with this guy, after a while that hey broke and she's back with the first guy, than that they broke... and she's single again and going dating...
Late 2020 I start talking with a girl, she was a friend of my ex... and she message me out of nowhere... we talked for a bit and we somehow ended up thotgheter, moved togheter. The thing is, even if we are toghether... I dunno if i like this girl or not... nothing about her really speaks to me. We just ended up togheter because we were alone. She's more than okay with me beign a zoo and she wants to fuck out too soon. She's nice, I can see that she loves me and wants to be with me... but I was never sure I want her... maybe I'm a idiot who knows, but my mind, "my heart" still goes to this girl N.
Fast forward to maybe half a year ago, N told me that she found a grat guy and she's dating him, and that she's with him for 2 month now... and all that jazz. I fel even more sad, because from her words she seems more happy with him than I ever saw her... I know thay won't brake up. She even moved with him in another city. She's madly in love with this dude, and I'm gelous and sad, knowing this...
I can't get her out of my head... I don't feel a thing for this girl I'm with. I'm not felling atracted to her... not her body, but her as person.
I'm with her just because of the fear I'll end up alone again... and believe when I say alone, I mean it. My mind when it comes to love, happines, life, sex, goes to this girl, N. It drives me crazy, makes me mad and kills me inside. When she tells me her plans of having a family, kids, a house with this guy... when she tells me what she want to do with him in bed (few days ago she told she wants to play an animal in a roleplay, and I was so sad that that won't be with me) it drives me insane in the bad way.
I'm unhappy, depressed and with someone for which I can't tell what I fell.
I just wanted to let this out somewhere.... I'm tired of my own mind... the irony being that my current job is to help people with those kind of problems.
If not allowed, please remove! Thank you!
