Jamesmarko2.0
Tourist
Let me start by saying this post isn't for attention. I feel the need to express myself and I have no where else to turn.
My whole world feels like it's falling apart. 3 weeks ago I got let go from my job cause the owner of the business I work for decided she no longer wanted a male for the position I was in. In the last 5 years of my life I have had more jobs than I care to admit. I always get mistreated or I can't make enough to support my family so I look for other work. Now I've been out of work for 3 weeks going on 4. I have applied to everything i can qualify for. And I haven't gotten any response even when reaching out about my application. If I don't find a job by the end of November I won't be able to make January's rent car payment or utilities.
We have to skip Christmas this year. Cause we have no extra money. Imagine having to explain to a 4 year old why we have no Christmas decorations and why we can't decorate. She knows it's Christmas but we can't do anything about it. I feel like a total failure. I'm 29 years old I can't hold a job. I can't keep food on the table and I have done nothing with my life. After 3 weeks not working and money in savings slowly dwindling I feel the depression setting in and the suicidal thoughts creeping on me. My wife I pregnant and I can't even take care of her. I am a failure as a husband as a father. And not to mention the weight and guilt and shame I feel about my secret life as a zoo. I'm thinking of leaving my wife and daughter. To spare them from my failures. The in-laws hate me but will take her back. I think about how easy a bullet to the head will be. Alaska was supposed to be a fresh start for us. For me. New opportunity. I feel like such a nobody. I'm not good at anything I have no place in this world. So what's the point.
I feel so lost. I know it may sound like I'm being whiney. But if you had depression you understand. I've reached this point where I'm done fighting. I'm done trying. And it is scary. I feel no love, I feel no desire, I look at my daughter and I think she will be better off without me. The baby in my wife's belly will be better without a failure for a father. I can't bring myself to ask for help. I'm not worth help.
Sorry for wasting your time.
My whole world feels like it's falling apart. 3 weeks ago I got let go from my job cause the owner of the business I work for decided she no longer wanted a male for the position I was in. In the last 5 years of my life I have had more jobs than I care to admit. I always get mistreated or I can't make enough to support my family so I look for other work. Now I've been out of work for 3 weeks going on 4. I have applied to everything i can qualify for. And I haven't gotten any response even when reaching out about my application. If I don't find a job by the end of November I won't be able to make January's rent car payment or utilities.
We have to skip Christmas this year. Cause we have no extra money. Imagine having to explain to a 4 year old why we have no Christmas decorations and why we can't decorate. She knows it's Christmas but we can't do anything about it. I feel like a total failure. I'm 29 years old I can't hold a job. I can't keep food on the table and I have done nothing with my life. After 3 weeks not working and money in savings slowly dwindling I feel the depression setting in and the suicidal thoughts creeping on me. My wife I pregnant and I can't even take care of her. I am a failure as a husband as a father. And not to mention the weight and guilt and shame I feel about my secret life as a zoo. I'm thinking of leaving my wife and daughter. To spare them from my failures. The in-laws hate me but will take her back. I think about how easy a bullet to the head will be. Alaska was supposed to be a fresh start for us. For me. New opportunity. I feel like such a nobody. I'm not good at anything I have no place in this world. So what's the point.
I feel so lost. I know it may sound like I'm being whiney. But if you had depression you understand. I've reached this point where I'm done fighting. I'm done trying. And it is scary. I feel no love, I feel no desire, I look at my daughter and I think she will be better off without me. The baby in my wife's belly will be better without a failure for a father. I can't bring myself to ask for help. I'm not worth help.
Sorry for wasting your time.
